The dark nights of the soul, turn to mornings…

For the past few months I have been dealing with the sudden passing of a very close friend,spiritual father,and hero of mine. His death was very tragic and unexpected to all of us who were a part of his life, and he was one of the greatest men I have ever known.

Needless to say, things like this in life bring us into the tension of wrestling with God for answers to some of the most difficult questions that man can face. It brings out the most raw emotions of the human heart. It was in this place that I found myself reluctant to bring the true nature of my heart before God. I was angry,confused,and afraid not just about the passing of my friend but also of myself and towards Him. Which in turn made me even more scared. Did I have the right to be angry? Why was I angry? Why was I afraid and what of?

It was in this place that I knew that God existed but i could not feel His nearness, which made me even more angry and upset. So as I poured out my heart to Him for hours, I could begin to hear soft words of comfort and the sense that His grace was sufficient. His leadership over me in that moment was wiser than the way ” I ” thought He should react towards me. That did not change the resolve that he put in my heart to seek after Him violently and with my whole heart.

As I woke up today I sat down with my guitar to worship and sing from Psalm 27. The night before I could feel nothing but furious desperation and frustration. But as I began to meditate on the scriptures i began to sing from verse 4.

One thing I have asked of the Lord, that I shall seek, that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life.
I began to sing ” God I will seek you, until my heart it fails”
and as i began to sing that, the Spirit moved upon me and tenderized my heart and I began to weep. And as I began to weep, I began to see a vision of my friend seated at the right hand of Jesus, and my friend was shouting to Him saying “look at him”, and he was cheering joyfully as I wept before God. And I could feel His kindness over me. I COULD FEEL MY LOVE RISING UP TO HIM!

Later in the day, I realized that Jesus was there all along, but that sometimes along the narrow path of maturing in love for Him, He will back away to draw us out as poison is drawn out of a wound.

Beloved, I want to encourage any of you who have those deep seated things in your heart to draw near to Him and begin to pour out your heart to Him, for there is no pit too deep that He cannot reach into, His hand is not too short to save, and He is always…always listening. But sometimes it is a matter of us returning to Him broken and afraid with all of our wounds.

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